Upon arriving in her new state, Betty and her little ones had nothing but the clothes they were wearing. At that time and in that new place, she was unable to get any sort of assistance from the county or state. As I recall, she was told that since she had no proof of residency, there was nothing that could be done to help her.
In 2012, some things regarding community response to the scourge of domestic violence have improved. In many areas, shelters now exist to provide a safe, supportive home for victims of domestic violence. These safe havens are not listed in telephone books nor are their addresses available on websites. However, in today's world, when a victim and her/his children are seeking shelter from their abuser, many agencies, police departments, places of worship and others can now direct terrified and displaced people to these safe houses.
Unfortunately for Betty and her little ones, either these places of safety did not exist, or she was unable to access information that could provide assistance and relief. It was also obvious to her that she could not contact anyone from her past for help. Consequently, Betty did what little she could do to take care of the business of merely surviving.
Her new baby had been born prematurely and had severe disabilities. Like many other homeless people, Betty scrounged through dumpsters and trash bins to find enough to merely sustain life. The three of them lived in the old rattle-trap car. It became their home. Each night she would park someplace different, dark and remote, so she and her family would not be discovered. She tried her very best to remain under the radar and not draw attention to herself and her predicament.
I can't tell you why Betty did not seek some sort of refuge at a church or other house of worship. Perhaps she had lost all trust, paranoid that someone might contact her husband. And of course, during that time the stigma associated with domestic violence was still rampant. All too often victims were thought to either love the abuse, encourage it through their behavior, or questioned as to why, if it were as bad as
"they" said, did it take them so long to leave. In other words, victims were all too often re-victimized by those who were clueless about this crime.
The weather was growing cooler. Betty needed to figure out a way to earn some money so she and the children could find a place, any place, to live. While driving around the rather remote areas she frequented, she found a mid-sized factory. She was a hard worker and knew that she could do this type of work.
She parked the car in a far corner of the lot, leaving the older child in charge of the baby. Upon applying for a job, she was instantly hired and began work immediately.
Now she just needed to hang on until her first pay check came through. Every day she would arrive at the factory, park in the most remote place possible and lock the children in the car. Every day the older of the two, who was fairly advanced for such a young child, would feed and care for the baby. At every break or during each lunch, Betty would rush to the car to check on the children and care for them as best she could.
The weather was becoming colder and colder. Winter was settling in. One day the baby began coughing. Betty tried to nurse her infant back to health. But the child's condition worsened. The coughing and rasping increased, fever soared and the baby developed great breathing difficulties.
Betty drove her children to the nearest emergency room, pleading for help. She knew that she would face an onslaught of questions about how this could have happened . . . why she had not sought help earlier. Those questions were the last things on her mind. Even though some might have wondered how she could have let this happen, Betty loved her children beyond measure.
Betty left the older child in the care of hospital staff while she stayed by her infant's bedside. But medical intervention was simply too late to save the infant. Having been born prematurely and suffering from severe disabilities, the small child's body could not recover.
Moments after the baby's death, she left the room to gather up her toddler. Social services had been alerted and informed of the situation. They were waiting for her.
And on that horrible, heartbreaking day, Betty lost both of her children.
Copyright, 2012, Jane Okasaki, all rights reserved
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Betty: Unspeakable Bravery
I met Betty sometime in the mid 1980's. As we got to know each other, she confided something that was almost too painful to hear or bear. Her story was riveting, repugnant and like something straight from your worst nightmare. Many years later when I recall what she told me, my throat still aches with unshed tears.
Betty's Story:
Betty had lived in another state. She was married and had one child. Her husband had a severe drinking problem and was most likely an alcoholic. His moods were extremely volatile, leaving him with an angry, filthy abusive mouth and a hair-trigger temper. He would rage and rant when things were not the way he insisted they be. Consequently, it would be "his way or the highway". Betty and her little one, who was around three or four, lived their lives walking on egg shells and tiptoeing around him when he was in "one of his moods". Unfortunately, he was almost always in "one of those moods".
Betty was extremely intelligent, very articulate and well spoken. To hear her talk, one would never have believed that this could be her life. However, if you were to have taken notice of her appearance, you might begin to think otherwise. Betty was missing some very prominent teeth, and her remaining teeth were rotted and discolored.
Upon discovering she was pregnant with her second child, her husband was furious. In no way did he want another baby. If life had been hard before, her child's and her life was becoming more unbearable by the day. After one particularly horrible day, Betty decided that she could take no more and planned to take her little one and make her escape. Now, through the years with her husband, she had been called every name under the sun, and had been berated about how stupid, inept, disgusting and worthless she was to him. However, by the same token, he let it be clearly known that she would never be rid of him.
On an awful evening, after her husband had fallen asleep in a drunken stupor, she crept out of bed, grabbed her sleeping toddler and tried to sneak down the stairs. She had packed just a tiny bag of things. But, she was not quick enough. Her husband was awakened and lurched to the stairs. Upon seeing the bag, he lunged at her, pushing her down the full flight. She was a mess, battered beyond belief. She did not miscarry, but months later gave birth to a severely developmentally disabled baby. If her life had been, to say the least, painful and difficult before, now it was a living horror. She was continually threatened, abused, debased and lived in constant fear and terror. She once again decided that she had to find a way to leave.
Upon asking her if she had people in her life who could have helped her and her children, she said that the few she might have turned to would most likely have "ratted her out" instead. They would have told her husband of her plan to leave.
And once again she waited for her chance. One night while her husband lay snoring and sleeping like the dead, she snuck from her bed, grabbed the baby and toddler and hurried down the stairs. She took nothing with her but the children and the clothes on their backs. She got into their old heap of a car and drove away into the night. And they drove and they drove. She knew that she had to get as far away as possible because so terrible would be his rage and so great would be his revenge if he found her.
Fact: When an individual tries to leave a domestic violence relationship, their risk of being murdered by the scorned spouse/partner increases by 75%.
Copyright: Jane Okasaki, 2011
Betty's Story:
Betty had lived in another state. She was married and had one child. Her husband had a severe drinking problem and was most likely an alcoholic. His moods were extremely volatile, leaving him with an angry, filthy abusive mouth and a hair-trigger temper. He would rage and rant when things were not the way he insisted they be. Consequently, it would be "his way or the highway". Betty and her little one, who was around three or four, lived their lives walking on egg shells and tiptoeing around him when he was in "one of his moods". Unfortunately, he was almost always in "one of those moods".
Betty was extremely intelligent, very articulate and well spoken. To hear her talk, one would never have believed that this could be her life. However, if you were to have taken notice of her appearance, you might begin to think otherwise. Betty was missing some very prominent teeth, and her remaining teeth were rotted and discolored.
Upon discovering she was pregnant with her second child, her husband was furious. In no way did he want another baby. If life had been hard before, her child's and her life was becoming more unbearable by the day. After one particularly horrible day, Betty decided that she could take no more and planned to take her little one and make her escape. Now, through the years with her husband, she had been called every name under the sun, and had been berated about how stupid, inept, disgusting and worthless she was to him. However, by the same token, he let it be clearly known that she would never be rid of him.
On an awful evening, after her husband had fallen asleep in a drunken stupor, she crept out of bed, grabbed her sleeping toddler and tried to sneak down the stairs. She had packed just a tiny bag of things. But, she was not quick enough. Her husband was awakened and lurched to the stairs. Upon seeing the bag, he lunged at her, pushing her down the full flight. She was a mess, battered beyond belief. She did not miscarry, but months later gave birth to a severely developmentally disabled baby. If her life had been, to say the least, painful and difficult before, now it was a living horror. She was continually threatened, abused, debased and lived in constant fear and terror. She once again decided that she had to find a way to leave.
Upon asking her if she had people in her life who could have helped her and her children, she said that the few she might have turned to would most likely have "ratted her out" instead. They would have told her husband of her plan to leave.
And once again she waited for her chance. One night while her husband lay snoring and sleeping like the dead, she snuck from her bed, grabbed the baby and toddler and hurried down the stairs. She took nothing with her but the children and the clothes on their backs. She got into their old heap of a car and drove away into the night. And they drove and they drove. She knew that she had to get as far away as possible because so terrible would be his rage and so great would be his revenge if he found her.
Fact: When an individual tries to leave a domestic violence relationship, their risk of being murdered by the scorned spouse/partner increases by 75%.
Copyright: Jane Okasaki, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)