There are certain myths that cloak the demon of domestic violence. Here are several:
Myth 1. Usually when an incident of domestic violence takes place, it occurs in the lives of Those People. Those People are probably members of a minority population, have lower levels of income or live in poverty, and have limited education.
Possible Assumption: Domestic violence seldom happens to people like Us. It probably does not often happen to people we know and/or love.
Domestic violence is an equal-opportunity problem. It does not discriminate. Domestic violence crosses every socioeconomic boundary, wreaking havoc and destruction in the lives of people of every race, religion, income, education, age, ethnicity, sexual preference and gender.
So, who are They? Just who are the victims of Domestic Violence?
I would guess everyone reading this post knows someone (whether they are aware of that individual's abuse or not) who has been or is still a victim. And by the way, victims are not Those People. They are your mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins, nieces, co-workers, friends, and individuals with whom you worship. They can be your brother, father, uncle, nephew, co-worker or friend. Violence is violence, whether perpetrated upon a stranger or someone you know.
The numbers of victims of violence are staggering.
According to the National Network To End Domestic Violence, approximately 2.3 million people in the United States are physically assaulted and/or raped by their current or former spouse, partner, boyfriend or girlfriend yearly.
Women who were physically assaulted by an intimate partner averaged 6.9 physical assaults per year by the same partner.
Every day three women in the United States are murdered by their current or former partner.
Domestic Violence Statistics reports that in 2008, in a survey of Domestic Violence programs across the nation, it was determined that over 60,000 victims were served in one day. But, due to lack of necessary resources, there were almost 9,000 unmet requests for help.
And again, in 2008, the National Domestic Violence hotline received 236,907 calls but over 29, 000 of those calls were not answered because of the lack of resources.
Myth 2. A victim stays with the abuser because s/he is either weak, stupid, initially attracted the abuser with her/his own unhealthy, co-dependent behaviors, or perhaps at some deep level needs or wants to be punished.
Possible Assumption: This could never happen to me.
If victims do not stay with abusers because they are weak, stupid or co-dependent, the question then becomes, "Why do they stay?"
There are those who seem incredulous as to how or why anyone would ever stay in a relationship after being beaten, whether for the first time or tenth time. This feeling is perhaps based on the false assumption that the abuser must have demonstrated signs of abusive or violent behavior from the outset of the relationship.
Seldom in the beginning stages of a relationship does abuse or violence occur. After all, if someone were to go out on a first date with an individual who then "punched their lights out", the likelihood of the victim wishing to once again engage with the abuser would be slim to none.
More often these relationships evolve as many relationships do, with intensity, an increased desire to be together, loving behaviors, and romance. However, when a relationship eventually adds the component of abuse or violence, the victim, most often a woman*, has become invested in the relationship. Perhaps she still loves her partner, or at least loves the person with whom she fell in love.
She may have children to now consider. During the relationship she may have become increasingly economically dependent upon her abuser. Perhaps the abuser is well-known and respected in the community and she believes that no one would believe her. Over time, her relationship may have been punctuated with episodes of emotional abuse, humiliation, degradation, and name calling. This individual may have lost confidence in her ability to provide and care for herself and her children. She may have little or no support from friends or family who either believe that she is little more than a fool and should have left long ago, or admonish her with statements like, "Oh, it can't be that bad!"
She may not know about, or have access to, resources available to assist her and her children. She may have tried to leave before, was caught or found, and now assumes that further attempts to leave would be futile. The abuser may have threatened to kill himself or others if she attempts to leave.
She may be in denial, believing that if she just worked harder, anticipated his needs or desires more accurately, or were a better partner, the abuse or violence would end. She might be clinically depressed, unable to take any action. Or she may rightfully fear that upon leaving, the risk of increased violence and perhaps being killed are greatly magnified. In fact, upon leaving an abusive relationship, the victim's risk of being murdered by her abusive partner increases by 75%.
* Having noted that the victim is most often female, gender neutral language was not used in the passage.
Today, February 5, 2012, is Super Bowl Sunday. The National Domestic Violence hotline is extremely busy every year during and after this event. Hopefully every call was answered and every caller was served with information, shelter locations, help and hope.
It is safe to say that tonight, many abusers, fueled by anger and rage over a game lost, coupled with other pent-up anger and perhaps with alcohol or drugs added to the mix, have caused pain, suffering, sorrow, terror and untold damage in the lives of those they love.
And this is the face of Domestic Violence.
Copyright, 2012, Jane A. Okasaki, all rights reserved
