SIMPLE MATH: DIFFICULT PROBLEM AWARENESS + ACTION = CHANGE

This is a beautiful early autumn day.  Serenely so.  Leaves of all shapes are changing colors, falling, often skittering across the lawn, crunching underfoot.  For me, this is a time of such soaring spirit and such yearning sorrow. . . . the time of year that is wrapped in immense joy and sheathed by palpable pain.  Such duality. 

I love this time of the year.  I often feel like the child I once was, wanting to run like the wind, throwing my arms around each day.  This season is filled to the very brim with all things sensual - crisp leaves, crunchy apples, fragrant acorn squash baking in the oven, and the occasional whiff of smoke from someone's fireplace.  My birthday just around the corner.  Everything this season offers conjures up so many memories.

This season also delivers a large dose of heartache.  Forty-five years ago I was expecting my first child.  I was nineteen years old, soon to be twenty.  My beautiful, perfect baby was born on October 18th.  Although incredibly challenging at times, our lives seemed so promising.  Full of determination, commitment, dedication, hope and some sacrifice, I was betting all I had on a very bright future for my new family and me.

A Valuable History Lesson

October arrives in six days.

As many know, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  It came about as a result of the first Day of Unity held in October 1981 and was the brain-child of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV).  The purpose of this day was to bring together battered women's advocates who were working diligently to stop the violence.

Eventually the Day of Unity became a week-long event.  Many activities were held at the local, state and national levels to raise awareness and to recognize the suffering of many.  Some of these activities included remembering, honoring and mourning those individuals, the overwhelming majority women, murdered as a result of domestic violence.  There were celebrations held for survivors and events to connect with individuals and groups dedicated to ending this scourge.

In October 1987, the first Domestic Violence Awareness Month was established.  That same year, the first national toll-free hotline was created.  Two years later, the U.S. Congress passed the Domestic Violence Awareness Month Commemorative Legislation.

In October, 1994 the NCADV and Ms. Magazine partnered to create a memorial to those who had been murdered that year as a deadly result of Domestic Violence.  And each year, this project, the "Remember My Name" tribute continues to publish a poster listing the dead.

The Day of Unity in now celebrated on the first Monday in October.  This year this day of remembrance falls on October 1st.  On that day individuals and groups are encouraged to create, initiate and incorporate ways to help bring awareness and necessary change for those individuals and their children who live under the ongoing and terrorizing threat of violence in their lives and in their homes.

Then And Now:  The Bitter To Sweet

Fourteen months after the birth of my first child, I delivered a second beautiful, healthy baby.  Ten days after the child's birth, the violence in my home began.  That first beating was horrific.  I knew nothing about domestic violence.  I knew no one who had ever been beaten by a loved one.  I remained mute through it all, offering no resistance.  You see, my newborn was asleep just a few feet away and I was terrified she would awaken and be harmed or even killed.  If I had been killed on that first night, I would have had no, what is often called, "defense wounds".  And so the cycle began and would continue for a very long time.

How very ironic, it now seems, that my abusive husband of twenty years (now former husband) left us in 1987, the very year that the Domestic Violence Awareness Month was created.

Looking back, I find it equally remarkable that in 1994, when the "Remember My Name" memorial was established, I married a remarkably kind, caring, loving and decent man who helped finish raising my children.  Together we have established a loving marriage and partnership, have a terrific blended family of seven children and are the grandparents of eight beloved grandchildren.

With the many blessings I have received, I give thanks for the immeasurable freedom I have to live without fear, humiliation and degradation.  I am grateful that my children are no longer subjected to an extremely unhealthy and dysfunctional life.  I am ever aware of my second chance at being the mother, wife, sibling, friend and just being the person I had always wanted to be.  Today I am my true self . . . my authentic self.   

I am one of the very lucky ones.  This I know.  In my gratitude, I must remember those who are still living in the throes of this insidious, vicious and soul-sucking national and global nightmare that is Domestic Violence.  And with that, I am called to take action.

I do not know to whom I should give credit for changing a well known saying, but whoever you are, I thank you.  The saying you recreated very accurately describes the pain I felt throughout those dark years of living with domestic violence.

"Sticks and stones will break my bones

and

Words will break my heart!"

Copyright, 2012, Jane Okasaki, all rights reserved

Myths, Misery and More

There are certain myths that cloak the demon of domestic violence.  Here are several:

Myth 1.  Usually when an incident of domestic violence takes place, it occurs in the lives of Those People.  Those People are probably members of a minority population, have lower levels of income or live in poverty, and have limited education.

Possible Assumption:  Domestic violence seldom happens to people like Us.  It probably does not often happen to people we know and/or love.

Domestic violence is an equal-opportunity problem.  It does not discriminate.  Domestic violence crosses every socioeconomic boundary, wreaking havoc and destruction in the lives of people of every race, religion, income, education, age, ethnicity, sexual preference and gender.

So, who are They?  Just who are the victims of Domestic Violence?

I would guess everyone reading this post knows someone (whether they are aware of that individual's abuse or not) who has been or is still a victim.  And by the way, victims are not Those People.  They are your mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins, nieces, co-workers, friends, and individuals with whom you worship. They can be your brother, father, uncle, nephew, co-worker or friend. Violence is violence, whether perpetrated upon a stranger or someone you know.

The numbers of victims of violence are staggering. 

According to the National Network To End Domestic Violence, approximately 2.3 million people in the United States are physically assaulted and/or raped by their current or former spouse, partner, boyfriend or girlfriend yearly.

Women who were physically assaulted by an intimate partner averaged 6.9 physical assaults per year by the same partner.

Every day three women in the United States are murdered by their current or former partner.

Domestic Violence Statistics reports that in 2008, in a survey of Domestic Violence programs across the nation, it was determined that over 60,000 victims were served in one day.  But, due to lack of necessary resources, there were almost 9,000 unmet requests for help.

And again, in 2008, the National Domestic Violence hotline received 236,907 calls but over 29, 000 of those calls were not answered because of the lack of resources.

Myth 2.  A victim stays with the abuser because s/he is either weak, stupid, initially attracted the abuser with her/his own unhealthy, co-dependent behaviors, or perhaps at some deep level needs or wants to be punished.

Possible Assumption:  This could never happen to me. 

If victims do not stay with abusers because they are weak, stupid or co-dependent, the question then becomes, "Why do they stay?"

There are those who seem incredulous as to how or why anyone would ever stay in a relationship after being beaten, whether for the first time or tenth time.  This feeling is perhaps based on the false assumption that the abuser must have demonstrated signs of abusive or violent behavior from the outset of the relationship.

Seldom in the beginning stages of a relationship does abuse or violence occur.  After all, if someone were to go out on a first date with an individual who then "punched their lights out", the likelihood of the victim wishing to once again engage with the abuser would be slim to none. 

More often these relationships evolve as many relationships do, with intensity, an increased desire to be together, loving behaviors, and romance.  However, when a relationship eventually adds the component of abuse or violence, the victim, most often a woman*, has become invested in the relationship.  Perhaps she still loves her partner, or at least loves the person with whom she fell in love. 

She may have children to now consider.  During the relationship she may have become increasingly economically dependent upon her abuser.  Perhaps the abuser is well-known and respected in the community and she believes that no one would believe her.  Over time, her relationship may have been punctuated with episodes of emotional abuse, humiliation, degradation, and name calling.  This individual may have lost confidence in her ability to provide and care for herself and her children.  She may have little or no support from friends or family who either believe that she is little more than a fool and should have left long ago, or admonish her with statements like, "Oh, it can't be that bad!" 

She may not know about, or have access to, resources available to assist her and her children.  She may have tried to leave before, was caught or found, and now assumes that further attempts to leave would be futile.  The abuser may have threatened to kill himself or others if she attempts to leave. 

She may be in denial, believing that if she just worked harder, anticipated his needs or desires more accurately, or were a better partner, the abuse or violence would end.  She might be clinically depressed, unable to take any action.  Or she may rightfully fear that upon leaving, the risk of increased violence and perhaps being killed are greatly magnified.  In fact, upon leaving an abusive relationship, the victim's risk of being murdered by her abusive partner increases by 75%.

*  Having noted that the victim is most often female, gender neutral language was not used in the passage.

Today, February 5, 2012, is Super Bowl Sunday.  The National Domestic Violence hotline is extremely busy every year during and after this event.  Hopefully every call was answered and every caller was served with information, shelter locations, help and hope. 

It is safe to say that tonight, many abusers, fueled by anger and rage over a game lost, coupled with other pent-up anger and perhaps with alcohol or drugs added to the mix, have caused pain, suffering, sorrow, terror and untold damage in the lives of those they love.

And this is the face of Domestic Violence.

Copyright, 2012, Jane A. Okasaki, all rights reserved

Betty's Story: Unbearable Loss

Upon arriving in her new state, Betty and her little ones had nothing but the clothes they were wearing.  At that time and in that new place, she was unable to get any sort of assistance from the county or state.  As I recall, she was told that since she had no proof of residency, there was nothing that could be done to help her.

In 2012, some things regarding community response to the scourge of domestic violence have improved.  In many areas, shelters now exist to provide a safe, supportive home for victims of domestic violence.  These safe havens are not listed in telephone books nor are their addresses available on websites.  However, in today's world, when a victim and her/his children are seeking shelter from their abuser, many agencies, police departments, places of worship and others can now direct terrified and displaced people to these safe houses.

Unfortunately for Betty and her little ones, either these places of safety did not exist, or she was unable to access information that could provide assistance and relief.  It was also obvious to her that she could not contact anyone from her past for help.  Consequently, Betty did what little she could do to take care of the business of merely surviving.

Her new baby had been born prematurely and had severe disabilities.  Like many other homeless people, Betty scrounged through dumpsters and trash bins to find enough to merely sustain life.  The three of them lived in the old rattle-trap car.  It became their home.  Each night she would park someplace different, dark and remote, so she and her family would not be discovered.  She tried her very best to remain under the radar and not draw attention to herself and her predicament.

I can't tell you why Betty did not seek some sort of refuge at a church or other house of worship.  Perhaps she had lost all trust, paranoid that someone might contact her husband.  And of course, during that time the stigma associated with domestic violence was still rampant.  All too often victims were thought to either love the abuse, encourage it through their behavior, or questioned as to why, if it were as bad as
"they" said, did it take them so long to leave.  In other words, victims were all too often re-victimized by those who were clueless about this crime.

The weather was growing cooler.  Betty needed to figure out a way to earn some money so she and the children could find a place, any place, to live.  While driving around the rather remote areas she frequented, she found a mid-sized factory.  She was a hard worker and knew that she could do this type of work.

She parked the car in a far corner of the lot, leaving the older child in charge of the baby.  Upon applying for a job, she was instantly hired and began work immediately.

Now she just needed to hang on until her first pay check came through.  Every day she would arrive at the factory, park in the most remote place possible and lock the children in the car.  Every day the older of the two, who was fairly advanced for such a young child, would feed and care for the baby.  At every break or during each lunch, Betty would rush to the car to check on the children and care for them as best she could.

The weather was becoming colder and colder.  Winter was settling in.  One day the baby began coughing.    Betty tried to nurse her infant back to health.  But the child's condition worsened.  The coughing and rasping increased, fever soared and the baby developed great breathing difficulties.

Betty drove her children to the nearest emergency room, pleading for help.  She knew that she would face an onslaught of questions about how this could have happened . . . why she had not sought help earlier.  Those questions were the last things on her mind.  Even though some might have wondered how she could have let this happen, Betty loved her children beyond measure.

Betty left the older child in the care of hospital staff while she stayed by her infant's bedside.  But medical intervention was simply too late to save the infant.  Having been born prematurely and suffering from severe disabilities, the small child's body could not recover.

Moments after the baby's death, she left the room to gather up her toddler.  Social services had been alerted and informed of the situation.  They were waiting for her.

And on that horrible, heartbreaking day, Betty lost both of her children.

Copyright, 2012, Jane Okasaki, all rights reserved

Betty: Unspeakable Bravery

I met Betty sometime in the mid 1980's.  As we got to know each other, she confided something that was almost too painful to hear or bear.  Her story was riveting, repugnant and like something straight from your worst nightmare.  Many years later when I recall what she told me, my throat still aches with unshed tears.

Betty's Story:
Betty had lived in another state.  She was married and had one child.  Her husband had a severe drinking problem and was most likely an alcoholic.  His moods were extremely volatile, leaving him with an angry, filthy abusive mouth and a hair-trigger temper.  He would rage and rant when things were not the way he insisted they be.  Consequently, it would be "his way or the highway".  Betty and her little one, who was around three or four, lived their lives walking on egg shells and tiptoeing around him when he was in "one of his moods".  Unfortunately, he was almost always in "one of those moods".

Betty was extremely intelligent, very articulate and well spoken.  To hear her talk, one would never have believed that this could be her life.  However, if you were to have taken notice of her appearance, you might begin to think otherwise.  Betty was missing some very prominent teeth, and her remaining teeth were rotted and discolored. 

Upon discovering she was pregnant with her second child, her husband was furious.  In no way did he want another baby.  If life had been hard before, her child's and her life was becoming more unbearable by the day.  After one particularly horrible day, Betty decided that she could take no more and planned to take her little one and make her escape.  Now, through the years with her husband, she had been called every name under the sun, and had been berated about how stupid, inept, disgusting and worthless she was to him.  However, by the same token, he let it be clearly known that she would never be rid of him.

On an awful evening, after her husband had fallen asleep in a drunken stupor, she crept out of bed, grabbed her sleeping toddler and tried to sneak down the stairs. She had packed just a tiny bag of things.  But, she was not quick enough.  Her husband was awakened and lurched to the stairs.  Upon seeing the bag, he lunged at her, pushing her down the full flight.  She was a mess, battered beyond belief.  She did not miscarry, but months later gave birth to a severely developmentally disabled baby.  If her life had been, to say the least, painful and difficult before, now it was a living horror.  She was continually threatened, abused, debased and lived in constant fear and terror.  She once again decided that she had to find a way to leave.

Upon asking her if she had people in her life who could have helped her and her children, she said that the few she might have turned to would most likely have "ratted her out" instead.  They would have told her husband of her plan to leave.

And once again she waited for her chance.  One night while her husband lay snoring and sleeping like the dead, she snuck from her bed, grabbed the baby and toddler and hurried down the stairs.  She took nothing with her but the children and the clothes on their backs.  She got into their old heap of a car and drove away into the night.  And they drove and they drove.  She knew that she had to get as far away as possible because so terrible would be his rage and so great would be his revenge if he found her.

Fact:  When an individual tries to leave a domestic violence relationship, their risk of being murdered by the scorned spouse/partner increases by 75%.

Copyright: Jane Okasaki, 2011

How Do You Spell Domestic Violence Using Five Letters? A - B - U - S - E

In relationships where domestic violence is an issue, the resulting violence obviously produces an excruciating, and sometimes deadly, consequence.  Although this violence is abhorrent, it is a by-product of another issue.  Limiting the focus to the physical violence in these relationships does not adequately address or eliminate this problem.

The dynamics of domestic violence are extremely complex.  At the core of every domestic violence relationship resides the overwhelming need for one partner to exert control, ownership, or power over the other.  The methods and means through which this controlling partner exerts, maintains, or regains power is through abuse.  Although physical abuse is a very effective method used to assert control, in domestic violence relationships, violence is not the only abuse.  Abuse is manifested in other ways as well.

                                                                   Physical Abuse:
Violence:  This includes beating, slapping, punching, kicking, choking, biting, pushing, slashing, stabbing, shooting, hair-pulling and other means

Menacing:  Threatening with a weapon or object; Threatening to harm or harming children or animals

Intimidation:  Being subjected to reckless or dangerous driving; Being abandoned in dangerous places; Intentionally locked out of home; Smashing or throwing objects; "In Your Face" screaming;  Pulling punches; Glaring; Giving "The Look"

                                                                   Verbal Abuse: 
Belittling ("Why did you think you could do that!"); Berating ("You are such an idiot!"); Blaming ("It's all your fault!"); Shaming ("If you really loved me . . . If you were a better mother!"); Being called names such as lazy, stupid, ugly, fat, worthless; Being subjected to constant criticism; Being subjected to public and/or private humiliation

                                                                  Emotional Abuse: 
Treated Like A Child:  Continually "In Trouble"; Little, if any, decision making power; Treated like property or an object; Little or no communication; Ignored

Isolation:  Forbidden to: Make or take calls; Leave the house; Have a job; Attend school; Speak or spend time with family; Socialize; Have friends

Punishment:  Withholding love, affection or appreciation; Threatening homicide/suicide; Threatening abandonment or divorce; Threatening to call police or social services; Threatening to kidnap children, gain sole custody, or remove children from victim's care; Threatening to harm or kill family, friends, pets; Stalking

                                                                  Sexual Abuse
Insecurity:  Jealousy; Continual suspicion and interrogation of unfounded infidelity and promiscuity; Demanding to know every detail of every relationship victim has had

Use of Force:  Rape; Unwanted fondling or touching; Coerced to engage in sexual practices that are painful, feel shameful or uncomfortable; Forced to have sex while others watch; Forced to have sex with objects; Forced to have sex after beatings; Forced to watch pornography; Forced to dress in a fashion that is more sexual or provocative than desired

Intimidation and Humiliation:  Groped or inappropriately touched in front of children; Present when partner displays sexual interest in others; Told degrading anti-woman jokes; Sexual innuendo; Demonstrates disgust for a woman's monthly cycle and other female functions

                                                                  Economic Abuse
Control:  Made to ask for all money; No access to cash, checkbook, or credit cards; No access to, or kept in ignorance of, family's financial documents and records; No voice in financial decisions; Must account for all money spent, sometimes providing receipts and detailed explanations; Made to turn over entire paycheck; Allowed to only take employment deemed suitable by the abuser; Harassed at work; Forced to quit job; Not allowed to work; Not allowed to gain further education; Forced to work while partner refuses to work; Ruined credit; Refusal to pay child support

These five forms of abuse:
Physical Abuse
Verbal Abuse
Emotional Abuse
Sexual Abuse
Economic Abuse

Come Together To Form
The Hand Of Abuse
Which In Turn Creates
The Fist Of Domestic Violence.

Copyright:  Jane Okasaki, 2011

Song Title:"You Always Hurt The One You Love." Really?

This pop standard, written by Allan Robers and music by Doris Fisher has been performed by many recording artists since the Mills Brothers first recorded it in 1944.  Some of the other artists who have released recordings of this song include Fats Domino, Ringo Starr, Michael Buble and Ryan Gosling.  So, if you remember how this tune goes, please sing along with these lyrics.

"You always hurt the one you love,
The one you shouldn't hurt at all.
You always take the sweetest rose,
And crush it till the petals fall.
You always break the kindest heart,
With a hasty word you can't recall.
So, if I broke your heart last night,
It's because I love you most of all."

Wow!  Sure doesn't sound like love to me!  In fact, it sounds a whole bunch like domestic violence.

Now I realize that the recording artists, or even those who wrote the lyrics and music, probably had no intention of glamorizing this "perception" of love, but there you have it!

"Golly gee!  Sorry I crushed your spirit, or your hopes, dreams, goals, skull, ad nauseum.  But baby!  It's just 'cus I love you so darned much!"

Among the groups that comprise "Those People" are the victims of Domestic Violence.  Although this type of violence inflicts wounds, trauma, terror and pain like any other assault or abuse, the difference is this:

It is called Domestic Violence because the perpetrator of the violence is not some random individual who leaped out of the bushes and beat you senseless.  In these situations, the perpetrator is someone you know, love, are in a relationship with, perhaps live with and even have children with.

Domestic violence is often cloaked in myth and shrouded with misconceptions, misinterpretation, and ignorance.  Upon hearing the term, domestic violence, people often conjure up a  gruesome scenario of an abuser, perhaps an uneducated, impoverished, boorish , inebriated man beating his spouse or partner.  Although this particular scene certainly presents one grim snapshot of domestic violence, it does not begin to complete the wide-angle view of the disturbing portrait that is domestic violence.

Copyright:  Jane A. Okasaki, 2011

So, Who Are Those People?

In the seventeen years that I have been working as a Motivational Speaker and Trainer, I have established a career dedicated to helping individuals who either want to, or are sometimes in dire need of, making life change. The thousands of people I have served come from all walks of life.  I have provided programs for professional associations, businesses, state and county governmental agencies, non-profits, schools colleges, universities, children in foster care, teen parents and numerous shelters and programs designed to assist and aid the homeless, addicted, mentally ill, victims of domestic violence and other under-served groups.

I can state with perfect certainty that I have thoroughly enjoyed working with every group of people I have encountered during these years.  After all.  I am a people person.  I would believe that any of my peers who provide speeches, seminars, workshops or coaching must be that sort of individual.  Connecting with people is what we do.  In order for us to be effective, we must build that connection.

Often human nature leads some, or perhaps many, of us to make assumptions about others based on any number of factors.  These  include: Appearance (including dress, piercings, tattoos), employment, education, ethnicity, age, community and others.  And once again, human nature often insures that upon making an assessment of another person based on the above criterion, especially if it is viewed with negativity, we might then hear this comment:  "Wow!  Would you look at those people!", or "What's wrong with those people?"

So the question becomes;  "Who are those people?"

Many people believe the answer is this; "Those people are not us!"

In my years of providing services, many of the individuals I have served are "those people".  When viewed through the eyes of others, perhaps they are seen as "those people" because the fear of "those people" being even a little like us is all too great.  Because if they are even a bit like us, then perhaps we could become like them.  In other words, maybe we could become "those people" too.

For whatever reason, "those people" are the people I most love.  And the dilemma for me is the fact that sometimes they are the most difficult to love.

In my view, "those people" are the individuals who most often do not have a seat at the banquet of life.  They are the ones pressing their noses against the window pane, watching as others feast.

"Those people" are the homeless, the hopeless, the addicted, the mentally ill.  They are the victims of domestic violence trapped in a world of unspeakable terror, fear and silence.  "Those people" are the victims of unaddressed sexual assault or any other form of abuse.  They are the individuals raised in homes where no one cares, where little love and compassion have been shown.  They are the children shuttled from foster home to foster home.  "Those people" are the disenfranchised, the marginalized, the voiceless.

My hope is to help flesh-out who "those people" really are.  They are not the faceless and nameless.  They are people who perhaps had, or still have, hopes, dreams, and goals.  They are not statistics.  They are not check marks on lists.  They are not invisible.  They are not "those people".  They are us.