In relationships where domestic violence is an issue, the resulting violence obviously produces an excruciating, and sometimes deadly, consequence. Although this violence is abhorrent, it is a by-product of another issue. Limiting the focus to the physical violence in these relationships does not adequately address or eliminate this problem.
The dynamics of domestic violence are extremely complex. At the core of every domestic violence relationship resides the overwhelming need for one partner to exert control, ownership, or power over the other. The methods and means through which this controlling partner exerts, maintains, or regains power is through abuse. Although physical abuse is a very effective method used to assert control, in domestic violence relationships, violence is not the only abuse. Abuse is manifested in other ways as well.
Physical Abuse:
Violence: This includes beating, slapping, punching, kicking, choking, biting, pushing, slashing, stabbing, shooting, hair-pulling and other means
Menacing: Threatening with a weapon or object; Threatening to harm or harming children or animals
Intimidation: Being subjected to reckless or dangerous driving; Being abandoned in dangerous places; Intentionally locked out of home; Smashing or throwing objects; "In Your Face" screaming; Pulling punches; Glaring; Giving "The Look"
Verbal Abuse:
Belittling ("Why did you think you could do that!"); Berating ("You are such an idiot!"); Blaming ("It's all your fault!"); Shaming ("If you really loved me . . . If you were a better mother!"); Being called names such as lazy, stupid, ugly, fat, worthless; Being subjected to constant criticism; Being subjected to public and/or private humiliation
Emotional Abuse:
Treated Like A Child: Continually "In Trouble"; Little, if any, decision making power; Treated like property or an object; Little or no communication; Ignored
Isolation: Forbidden to: Make or take calls; Leave the house; Have a job; Attend school; Speak or spend time with family; Socialize; Have friends
Punishment: Withholding love, affection or appreciation; Threatening homicide/suicide; Threatening abandonment or divorce; Threatening to call police or social services; Threatening to kidnap children, gain sole custody, or remove children from victim's care; Threatening to harm or kill family, friends, pets; Stalking
Sexual Abuse
Insecurity: Jealousy; Continual suspicion and interrogation of unfounded infidelity and promiscuity; Demanding to know every detail of every relationship victim has had
Use of Force: Rape; Unwanted fondling or touching; Coerced to engage in sexual practices that are painful, feel shameful or uncomfortable; Forced to have sex while others watch; Forced to have sex with objects; Forced to have sex after beatings; Forced to watch pornography; Forced to dress in a fashion that is more sexual or provocative than desired
Intimidation and Humiliation: Groped or inappropriately touched in front of children; Present when partner displays sexual interest in others; Told degrading anti-woman jokes; Sexual innuendo; Demonstrates disgust for a woman's monthly cycle and other female functions
Economic Abuse
Control: Made to ask for all money; No access to cash, checkbook, or credit cards; No access to, or kept in ignorance of, family's financial documents and records; No voice in financial decisions; Must account for all money spent, sometimes providing receipts and detailed explanations; Made to turn over entire paycheck; Allowed to only take employment deemed suitable by the abuser; Harassed at work; Forced to quit job; Not allowed to work; Not allowed to gain further education; Forced to work while partner refuses to work; Ruined credit; Refusal to pay child support
These five forms of abuse:
Physical Abuse
Verbal Abuse
Emotional Abuse
Sexual Abuse
Economic Abuse
Come Together To Form
The Hand Of Abuse
Which In Turn Creates
The Fist Of Domestic Violence.
Copyright: Jane Okasaki, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Song Title:"You Always Hurt The One You Love." Really?
This pop standard, written by Allan Robers and music by Doris Fisher has been performed by many recording artists since the Mills Brothers first recorded it in 1944. Some of the other artists who have released recordings of this song include Fats Domino, Ringo Starr, Michael Buble and Ryan Gosling. So, if you remember how this tune goes, please sing along with these lyrics.
"You always hurt the one you love,
The one you shouldn't hurt at all.
You always take the sweetest rose,
And crush it till the petals fall.
You always break the kindest heart,
With a hasty word you can't recall.
So, if I broke your heart last night,
It's because I love you most of all."
Wow! Sure doesn't sound like love to me! In fact, it sounds a whole bunch like domestic violence.
Now I realize that the recording artists, or even those who wrote the lyrics and music, probably had no intention of glamorizing this "perception" of love, but there you have it!
"Golly gee! Sorry I crushed your spirit, or your hopes, dreams, goals, skull, ad nauseum. But baby! It's just 'cus I love you so darned much!"
Among the groups that comprise "Those People" are the victims of Domestic Violence. Although this type of violence inflicts wounds, trauma, terror and pain like any other assault or abuse, the difference is this:
It is called Domestic Violence because the perpetrator of the violence is not some random individual who leaped out of the bushes and beat you senseless. In these situations, the perpetrator is someone you know, love, are in a relationship with, perhaps live with and even have children with.
Domestic violence is often cloaked in myth and shrouded with misconceptions, misinterpretation, and ignorance. Upon hearing the term, domestic violence, people often conjure up a gruesome scenario of an abuser, perhaps an uneducated, impoverished, boorish , inebriated man beating his spouse or partner. Although this particular scene certainly presents one grim snapshot of domestic violence, it does not begin to complete the wide-angle view of the disturbing portrait that is domestic violence.
Copyright: Jane A. Okasaki, 2011
"You always hurt the one you love,
The one you shouldn't hurt at all.
You always take the sweetest rose,
And crush it till the petals fall.
You always break the kindest heart,
With a hasty word you can't recall.
So, if I broke your heart last night,
It's because I love you most of all."
Wow! Sure doesn't sound like love to me! In fact, it sounds a whole bunch like domestic violence.
Now I realize that the recording artists, or even those who wrote the lyrics and music, probably had no intention of glamorizing this "perception" of love, but there you have it!
"Golly gee! Sorry I crushed your spirit, or your hopes, dreams, goals, skull, ad nauseum. But baby! It's just 'cus I love you so darned much!"
Among the groups that comprise "Those People" are the victims of Domestic Violence. Although this type of violence inflicts wounds, trauma, terror and pain like any other assault or abuse, the difference is this:
It is called Domestic Violence because the perpetrator of the violence is not some random individual who leaped out of the bushes and beat you senseless. In these situations, the perpetrator is someone you know, love, are in a relationship with, perhaps live with and even have children with.
Domestic violence is often cloaked in myth and shrouded with misconceptions, misinterpretation, and ignorance. Upon hearing the term, domestic violence, people often conjure up a gruesome scenario of an abuser, perhaps an uneducated, impoverished, boorish , inebriated man beating his spouse or partner. Although this particular scene certainly presents one grim snapshot of domestic violence, it does not begin to complete the wide-angle view of the disturbing portrait that is domestic violence.
Copyright: Jane A. Okasaki, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
So, Who Are Those People?
In the seventeen years that I have been working as a Motivational Speaker and Trainer, I have established a career dedicated to helping individuals who either want to, or are sometimes in dire need of, making life change. The thousands of people I have served come from all walks of life. I have provided programs for professional associations, businesses, state and county governmental agencies, non-profits, schools colleges, universities, children in foster care, teen parents and numerous shelters and programs designed to assist and aid the homeless, addicted, mentally ill, victims of domestic violence and other under-served groups.
I can state with perfect certainty that I have thoroughly enjoyed working with every group of people I have encountered during these years. After all. I am a people person. I would believe that any of my peers who provide speeches, seminars, workshops or coaching must be that sort of individual. Connecting with people is what we do. In order for us to be effective, we must build that connection.
Often human nature leads some, or perhaps many, of us to make assumptions about others based on any number of factors. These include: Appearance (including dress, piercings, tattoos), employment, education, ethnicity, age, community and others. And once again, human nature often insures that upon making an assessment of another person based on the above criterion, especially if it is viewed with negativity, we might then hear this comment: "Wow! Would you look at those people!", or "What's wrong with those people?"
So the question becomes; "Who are those people?"
Many people believe the answer is this; "Those people are not us!"
In my years of providing services, many of the individuals I have served are "those people". When viewed through the eyes of others, perhaps they are seen as "those people" because the fear of "those people" being even a little like us is all too great. Because if they are even a bit like us, then perhaps we could become like them. In other words, maybe we could become "those people" too.
For whatever reason, "those people" are the people I most love. And the dilemma for me is the fact that sometimes they are the most difficult to love.
In my view, "those people" are the individuals who most often do not have a seat at the banquet of life. They are the ones pressing their noses against the window pane, watching as others feast.
"Those people" are the homeless, the hopeless, the addicted, the mentally ill. They are the victims of domestic violence trapped in a world of unspeakable terror, fear and silence. "Those people" are the victims of unaddressed sexual assault or any other form of abuse. They are the individuals raised in homes where no one cares, where little love and compassion have been shown. They are the children shuttled from foster home to foster home. "Those people" are the disenfranchised, the marginalized, the voiceless.
My hope is to help flesh-out who "those people" really are. They are not the faceless and nameless. They are people who perhaps had, or still have, hopes, dreams, and goals. They are not statistics. They are not check marks on lists. They are not invisible. They are not "those people". They are us.
I can state with perfect certainty that I have thoroughly enjoyed working with every group of people I have encountered during these years. After all. I am a people person. I would believe that any of my peers who provide speeches, seminars, workshops or coaching must be that sort of individual. Connecting with people is what we do. In order for us to be effective, we must build that connection.
Often human nature leads some, or perhaps many, of us to make assumptions about others based on any number of factors. These include: Appearance (including dress, piercings, tattoos), employment, education, ethnicity, age, community and others. And once again, human nature often insures that upon making an assessment of another person based on the above criterion, especially if it is viewed with negativity, we might then hear this comment: "Wow! Would you look at those people!", or "What's wrong with those people?"
So the question becomes; "Who are those people?"
Many people believe the answer is this; "Those people are not us!"
In my years of providing services, many of the individuals I have served are "those people". When viewed through the eyes of others, perhaps they are seen as "those people" because the fear of "those people" being even a little like us is all too great. Because if they are even a bit like us, then perhaps we could become like them. In other words, maybe we could become "those people" too.
For whatever reason, "those people" are the people I most love. And the dilemma for me is the fact that sometimes they are the most difficult to love.
In my view, "those people" are the individuals who most often do not have a seat at the banquet of life. They are the ones pressing their noses against the window pane, watching as others feast.
"Those people" are the homeless, the hopeless, the addicted, the mentally ill. They are the victims of domestic violence trapped in a world of unspeakable terror, fear and silence. "Those people" are the victims of unaddressed sexual assault or any other form of abuse. They are the individuals raised in homes where no one cares, where little love and compassion have been shown. They are the children shuttled from foster home to foster home. "Those people" are the disenfranchised, the marginalized, the voiceless.
My hope is to help flesh-out who "those people" really are. They are not the faceless and nameless. They are people who perhaps had, or still have, hopes, dreams, and goals. They are not statistics. They are not check marks on lists. They are not invisible. They are not "those people". They are us.
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